what is wrong with me?

okay my life is great, my passing is good, even on phone it seems ...

but here are 10 reasons to spend an afternoon crying

i made the mistake to read again some of that venus envy comic, to see nearly my own life
a friend was telling me in the strip shown on my post called "the restart" that it was totally me,
and yes in this comic i find loads of things that are totally me:
stuff that happened to me
stuff that almost happened to me but that i could avoid
stuff that i spent over 15 years to wish.. or fear..

venus envy is wonderfully true and realistic, for those reasons if you are trans, do not read it ! make it read to your family who might learn lots about your troubles , but if you already have your own nose into your own problems, it's no use to see them drawed one by one , unless you think you're alone and the only one with those issues, then you'll quickly learn that you aren't ; unless you already did from me

-my father calls me "big guy"

-my mother , thinking i ignore it, talks about me as "he" to some friend of her, to make like a "pause" in my state and relieve herself for a while ...she also seems to not be able to call me anything else than "he" in front of strangers ...

-i do have a recommendation letter to see an endocrino, but it took me 3 weeks to get an appointment.... in 3 months!

i'd like to get rid of the surgery by next year as the Dr Suporn's waiting list goes up to debuary 2010, but i only see my psy in a month and she'll refuse, so i'll wait another month, and she'll refuse again .. during that time the waiting lists keep running and the political situation in thailand also hurries me to go there before it blows up

-also i wonder if i can get the SRS next year, to change my papers, or if i launch a name-change procedure first

-i easily lose more than 100 hair each day ..


-i'm out from a cave where i spent the 20 most beautiful years of a normal life

-my HRT makes me more tired indeed

ùy own psy believes me able to commit a suicide on my own person
(wich if i was psychiatrist i would NOT tell to my patients... )


that makes 10 !


but there is something different now , before, i cried for the unbearable, i wouldn't accept the idea of "let it go, you'll feel better after" no, i would be worse, it's like vomiting: leaving a taste ...

but to day, as it comes more easily, or even for nothing much, i tend to get the feeling that tears "cleans me"?!

it's like if something stuck in me could "come out" and free me from my melancholy , it's strange and new ..

or i like to mope :p

but those crying jags seem to drown my existential anxieties, and take me away from the big panic attack, so , i guess it's not that bad in a way