the begining

so here is the first post meant to retrace the begining of my mutation

so i'll pass over the already seen stuff like "i've always thought i was a girl" and all the violins that come with 24 years of confused feelings, i'll perhaps tell you the most shocking truth :


i never really played with dolls.... i don't know i found those gloomy as objects with their cold and fixed expression ..... sure i did make stories with invented characters or whatever but anybody who saw me would just have seen a normal kid playing with lil cars and legos , then video games at the end of the 80s

so yes, i did order a sewing machine for a crtain christmas, and perhaps other ambiguous stuff at some other moments, and yes people were afraid i'd "turn gay" or even were convinced of that by my teen ages, but i believe you don't have to fit in those criterias do have a gender identity disorder

by the way, i'm lesbian, and of course the male teen i was hasn't ever brought any girlfriend home , don't wanna be loved like a dude, yurk!

i also have an old vintage (collection :] ) car that i work on myself, mostly for not being able to afford someone else doing it for me , and like my daddy sez: "gals don't change cylinder-head gaskets"

(to tell you the truth daddy himself doesn't knows much about how you do it and stuff ... )

so back to my childhood , i was a bit more sensitive than the others, a bit more isolated, and my mother worried to always see me alone in a corner of the school , sent me to a shrink

he was a good one, i barely remember because i was young and naive , but i learned much later that he told my mum "he has no mental illness, his problem is what he is " ... congrats , if only i could talk to him more deeply he would have found out , but at this time, and till not so long ago i was just trying to keep it deeep into myself and fight against what i felt weird or anormal and my biggest fear would have been being found out , what would have happened then? how would i have been looked at like? who would have stayed by me?

it took over 15 years to reach what finally decided me to change, but before that , i can write a line or two about my even older childhood, as i do have shameful memories that are quite revealing today

when i was.... hell if i know, maybe 5 years old, as far as my memory goes, i thought i was not a girl because i had been designated as "boy" and i accepted the word, but i hadn't got the concept of it , i mean i just thought i'd grow up "like the other girls" and everything, and so on, as i made a bikini top with a t-shirt (y'know, 80's style: put the tshirt bottom in the neckhole and hell just watch 80's shows you'll see ! :p )

as my mother told me "but girls do that, you don't have no chest my child" i said soooo naively "i know, i'm too young"

i was just there believing that time would make it come........ well after all, it did , so....