the restart

so then after having figured that you can be trans without being stallone in a miniskirt AND even so, that it's not a bad thing to be masculine, it's not bad if i like girls, if i like videogames and vintage cars, what relevance does that have at all ?

all the pretexts i had stored in front of my eyes had just no meaning, and just finally collapsed

i just looked at all my past feelings, measured their evolution, and deduced that it would not get any better , and that after all, it was only up to me to make the secret wish i made for every birthday, every shooting star, come true.

so around the begining of my 24th year, in 2006 i'm deeply thinking , i made up my mind, thought i should say it to my mother, because i already planning my decision to become obvious or at least suspicious , i had to get out of the secret!

of course i also have planned to run away, and just get a new life elsewhere far from my past, and actually, it was not the first time i thought so, but this time, i had to DO something, not wish anymore , so i just figured "if i'm ready to lose everything, then let's just give a try and see if i have to"

after a tormenting week, wich made her worried , i finally spit the blues out ,
sure it's a shock, she hardly believes it, but in the same time, she's relieved "aaah, so that was THAT!" she tells me, the truth finally comes to the light, why was that kid unhappy all that time ...
much tears in each other arms followed, but even that she wupported me, she had much difficulties to accept , figuring little by little, slowly, what i had in mind,
for example months later she said "what? but you plan to get surgery?!"

then figuring that her little boy was becoming a big girl, she did look at me like her son's grave , it IS a bit hard to bear when you're hyper sensitive ..... especialy after you're under hormonal therapy that makes you even more touchy

anyway after my family coming out i look on internet for local associations or whatever help i could find to see a shrink whom i could confess to, believing i havd to start my transition with a psychiatrist, i ask to some association in bordeaux if they have some address, they gave me one,


the one of the transphobic and obnoxious and vile Marc Louis Bourgeois, on the head of the whole trans care on that disgusting city of bordeaux , much later i found him quoted in the "transphobic shrinks" section of the trans aide website, wich is a real help association, this one

incredibly paternilysing this "gentleman" is quite touchy and in answer of my tactful and polite attempt of explaining that i have some hard time telling my darkest things to some stranger, and that he didn't make things much easier by not asking anything, not trying to lead a discussion, just waiting for my truth to come out....

he answers "that's cuz i'm not complaisant"
that is sure not complaisant to forget someone's appointment (i come from 100kms away, imperial friends that is 65 miles ) asking me to come back five hours later after his planned appointments ; and what about confusing me with other patients ? (wich i figured once when he asked me news about someone i had never heard about, but how many times didn't i figure anything? )

anyway i was always feeling worse on the way out of his office than on the way in , i was hoping he would ask meaningful questions, handle a talk, but "how's the job goin?" and EACH AND EVERY TIME "what's your mother's name?" and "how old are you?" ...... i wanted to shout "i'm two fucking years older than the first time you asked me!!"

it took me nearly two years, paying 50 euros per session and finally seeing my insistance he trew me away to some colleague of him, someone more complaisant, this one now retired left me in the hands of her associate, a doctor, sexologist, psychologist and i had quite a better time, he helped me, understood me, and i guess saved me

he made me understand what docs were expecting from me, how did the system worked, yes he made mistakes too, with comments such comments as "well you see, a girl's supposed be taking care of herself, and i see you have dry hands"
....

(copyright venus envy ... before, i thought it only happened to me ..)

but the next time we talked about it , itold him that i had no intention to fit his table of clichés , that i refused to be judged on that stuff? that anyway all my family had dry skin, and that that precise day, i even used some cream before to come so it was double unfair, but even so, it didn't matter , i don't want to be criticized for my tastes, but i do EVEN LESS want to be juged on my physical condition :o

but he was trying to do right and told me that it was actually good that i had some character :p

by the way he also confirmed me the opinion of people about my nasty first psy, his strange personality, and told me that the 250-euros psy test he made me have were a bit overpriced .... well at least i have papers proving that i have no mental pathology whatsoever , no schyzophrenia, no dismorphophobia... the psycologist that had me passing the test "yes but that might mean no transsexuality either" ..... so if anyone tells you the same thing, if any test could tell if you're trans or not, i'd have passed this one before any other one!!

on internet you can find tests that tell you wether you're a boy or a girl (i don't mean facebook quizzes i mean statistic tests and stuff) they all told me i was a girl, so i guess i fit in some clichés anyways
but no official psy test can give such result, and even so, the result would be if the patient seem masculine or feminine, but not "in the wrong body" i mean if the mind is sane, but in the wrong body, so logically a psy test should only see a sane mind, no ?

so i had to spend one more year saying again all i hated saying, but this time to some good-willed man, so it wasn't painful like before, of course it was hard to have to wait one month to make my point clear, wait a month to say something i forgot to say, or said wrong,

simply wait one more month before ANYTHING happens, that's hard... but this time , on the way out of his office, i didn't want to jump from a bridge :)

after these few months passed, this psy told me "okay then i guess we've been around everything", BUT he isn't psychiatrist (wich means he an't prescribe stuff or etc) i needed one to go further.... the one psychiatrist would be....... mr bourgeois

i knew it wasn't a good idea, the nice psy cheered me up like he could, but i knew..... still , because i'm trying to be good, i took the appointment


it'll be okay said the nice psy ..... YOU BET IT WASN'T ! not only it was as bad as before, but to this old psy, i had a new , i was in "girl mode" so what's better than an example?

after the humiliation was over, i gave him his 50 euros, he took me to the office's door, then to the building's door, and there, in font of some dude entering the building, he pointed my chest with his finger and asked

"is that stuffed?"

....


"eeeeerm ... more or less?" i answer, shocked

"you'd better build up some muscles instead"

oh for fuck's sake!


funny thing, earlier with my nice psy, we talked about my complexes and the way i try to overcome them, i logically find my shoulders too wide and my arms too big, i said "i sure won't do body-building anyway :D " he smiled and said "yes of course i understand"

those are 2 quite different reactions aren't they ?

so the next time, i tell him that story, and with big amazed blue eyes he says "ouch okay i think it's not necessary to insist ...." and he sent me to ANOTHER psy .... still from the self-called "official team"

and there i began once again with a new shrink again .... the good thing is i don't pay her, being in some hospital
the bad thing is i have to start over AGAIN ...in september 2008 i'm restarting nearly from scratch she makes me understand that nothing would happen before two years ..... "two years MORE" do i ask ?

her evasive answer was something like "mkay we'll consider that you have seen some one before a bit"

but what can i say, she is a nice person, the problem is not the individual, but the protocol... i like her, but i can't stand the idea to start from scratch..... a third time!