ignition issues

one mistake i have made,

was hoping, perhaps by excess of confidence in my case, that people would take care of me ...

such as when i have fever, i meet my doc who tells me "ok you've got a little flu, you're gonna swallow this and that and you'll be fine in a week"

i expected to be told "yes you're trans, you're gonna take this and that and you'll feel better by 8 to 10 months" wrong, i had to learn everything myself, how the system works , the "official teams" opposed to the "personnal path" the hormonal therapies what to do, what to not do ..

i did not want to have to learn all that , i just wanted to be cured and not bother with how or whatever , so i could just forget , but i quickly discovered that my country is not exactly on the edge about all that stuff and that you even have to be cautionnous about some official endocrinologists prescriptions who begin the treatment by a so-called "reversible" hormonal therapy wich is nothing less than a hormone blocker, the androcur, wich is today forbidden in the USA a quite dangerous drug meant to chemically castrate sexual delinquents , like every drug of course it has to be used with caution, but a human body is not meant to work without any hormone wich is what we're talking about now , inducing depression and liver problems and more...


so i had to teach myself , to spend the time between psy appointments, while continuing my "official" path with my latest therapist, then 2009 arrived and i just had enough waiting, i would if necessary start a hormonal replacement therapy (HRT) by myself if i had to but thanks to a good help website i discovered that my family doctor could prescribe me a legal one! :)

immediately i met him, he knows my case and received outraging letters from my first asshole therapist , so he understands my pain very well, i brought him some papers about HRT and stuff, and he says ok :)
just takes a week to make sure of the right thing to do, but this year for my birthday, i did have my HRT! :)

so the HRT desserves it's own paragraph, perhaps have you already read stuff about it, that it is emotionally exhausting, as you're overflowed by your now stronger emotions and blah, blah blah ....

well it is true! :p

me being quite sensitive already , it's.... strong! i didn't expect it much , i was already a sissy crybaby but now i can cry anytime i want (tho i can't stop when i want to :D) on the begining i just wanted to cry each and every minute and if i didn't have the strenght to hold it back, then i did ..

it's true everything is harder , family, trans worries , but the positive can also be stronger :) but under HRT you are at the mercy of your own feelings, especially the bad ones in case of bad balance (sudden fail of testosterone without enough of something else to compensate leads to a quite certain depression .... it's called a hormonal REPLACEMENT therapy, not a hormonal cutoff therapy )(image copyright mat nishii, http://www.transe-generation.com )

so it's true, i was more emotionally stable before the THS it's not a step to take too lightly, have friends, have family anything because a transition is a difficult thing even before to mess with your brains so of course if you add up everything, it can be tough

i had worries for coming out to my father for example, he knew for 3 years but as far as i knew was denying and we were in some kind of status-quo , i had not seen him since the begining of my treatment and "real life test" i have been scared, very scared

finally it went well, but it's probably one of those thing that would be good to do BEFORE the HRT

in my case also the HRT amplifies GOOD vibes to a point where they become bad again, let's explain: a few years earlier i lived in a silent state of continuous pain , i had like a deadline in my mind, didn't expect to go over the age of 25 or something ... and now it's just ... "gone" , i just love life so much that words can't describe it , wich is good , so now i fear only one thing: the end of it ... knowing that nothing lasts forever , i had a good badass panic attack a while ago and am now trying to avoid another one and probably shows some depressive signs , taking some antidepressive drugs for the mere fact of finally loving life...... how ironic is that ?

so do not underestimate a HRT, even a light safe one such as mine

one other thing i started, the best of all, the laser hair removal! , one month later as my dermatologist want me to get my testerone away to begin, so after a first hormonal cycle hop! laser!

so let's put it this way: it HURTS! damn it hurts, technically like a good slap in the face at the rythm of two per second for 30 minutes.... as the rythm is regular you expect the next one wich makes it worse...

the laser actually burns the black melanin thru the skin, to burn the hair's root... technically you have to count one to 2 weeks at least to see the result , so at first i wondered "i'm one of those 1% of lucky ones that are non responsive to laser therapy or what?"

but with patience, it falls :)

what a pleasure to exfoliate your face and find some tiny hair bits in your hands :D no bathroom blues there! :D

but i have read some incredible things about laser, such as you need 15 sessions or more ... or that the total cost goes over 8000$ ....
my dermatologist told me that with her 800nm laser i would need 4 to 6 sessions

so yes, each sessions costs me 200 euros ( must be like 250$) so after 3 sessions i'm already at 600€.. but i'm halfway and i nearly have nothing left anymore :)

yes the regrowth about a month after the 2nd session did scare me a little , but you have to trust the laser, yes after one a session you'll spent a delicious hairless moment, and this made me go in "full time" at work, everywhere, it's also what we call the "real life test" wich you're expected to do without having any help , laser seems to be an optional thing but i just need it to be able to be smooth more than a week, as i had some strong hair that my skin tried to keep inside, making tiny skin bumps to not shave ...

even with the cutest face of the world i could then not pass as a girl more than a day after shaving , or a week after a face-wax (wich is as painful as you can imagine, yes :D) the laser solved it but i had to do it by myself

but then, if that clean skin time is so magic, i haven't been told "4 to 6" sessions for no reason ,
and yes, after 2 months it was time to go back to the torture again for a 3rd one, and now i'm watching the small hair coming back on my chin with tweezers... or wax if i see too much, it's still manageable :)

it's coming back quite heavily to me tho, so i don't think 4 sessions will be enough, but if it doesn't come back much more than now , i'll definitely be ok with 6 as planned :)



these choices helped me to force my actual shrink to send me to an endocrinologist , to finally have a pro HRT :)
...wich i'm extremelly sorry to; do poor her, she's just following her protocol, and doing what she's told to do and she's not made of bad will as my first one was, i feel guilty to keep seeing her while doing my stuff by myself and give the impression to make fun of her ....

but hey this is my 4th year of therapy and inactivity ... and it's about me isn't it? my life to unwaste , and actually if my previous psy didn't retire i'd have all that done last year already....

or even 3 years ago if i met her instead of my first maniac that people suggest me to sue ...