some background

this point we reached shall be some kind of debriefing of mu "up to now" life, i'll add stuff if i think about something, or if i receive some pertinent question

so how am i doing now ?
i'm taking estrogensand progesterone for 5 months and a half , some say that my face got softer ... my skin is doubtlessly much softer from the first HRT month , and yes, i do have breasts , after just 5 months i am a few centimeters away from a B cup wich for my age is not bad , reading stuff about the tanner scale i seem to be quite lucky ..... i'll talk about that scale later ;)

in the same time i hesitate about continuing on my diet , afraid that it stopps growing there (right before my HRT i ve lost 6kgs.... and before that, 20 during the past years .. for my impreial friends that is 44lb ... eh yes, nickie isn't pompooy anymore :p thai word that i learned the tough way :p )

so my breasts are on a race with my belly ... but i haven't gained wny weight since i began my HRT wich is good .... well i gained 2kgs lately but ut's within the acceptable variations ..... i'll weight myself again after a week of white rice and fruit smoothies :D


i have a good passing , strangers call me madam and others hesitate, get a bit confused, etc but i pass...




these drawings are from matt nishii from transe-generation.com, he happens to be an FTM transsexual, the opposite of me anyway his site is down for the moment, the bulletin board tho has been a big help for me when i began , it's a bit worldwide so not much a good source to figure the french stuff , but not one of those gloomy boards i had seen in the past, friendly and welcoming, and also full of pretty young members, MTF and FTMs together, no flamewars or polemics , good mood :) unfortunately the main site being offline the drawings are not available anymore, fortunately i had saved a few to translate them for my mother :D

and there, 2 things in this drawing, it's true!
first i do own a vintage car so that situation happens, people do see me differently in funny ways! :D
and also i was thinking "yeah it's easy to make a dude turning into a lovely babe with a pencil, pfff!"

but it happens, i'm on hrt since barely 6 months and seeing last yearp ics i think "ouch! " didn't feel quite good seeing them anyway ......

that's not only me , i have a passport showing an old pic from 2004 and earlier this year, i travelled, and has seen some amazement with the duty agents ... especially on the way back , the passport check woman showed me my own pic saying "is it..... you?"
with an embarassed yet flattered smile i said "yes erm, ..... old picture "
"ah ok" she smiled, finishing her stuff ...

then at the paris charles de gaulle airport i ... dropped my passport.... i'm looking for trouble aren't i? so after a while they called my name in the airport's speakers "Mister nicolas D..." ...... i took my courage in hands and went to the police desk, and seen many suspicious faces there ... "who's that" sere they thinking.... written on their face, doubt and surprise ... the chief was sitting there, holding my passport, full of doubts .... asked me to recitate every bit of information written there , i stayed 20 minutes with a big smile , embarrassed but flattered , i could have ended it all in a second just with my only superpower: my barry white voice, but after all i didn't need it, being exhaustively exact about my passport stuff... another cop asked "so is it the person?" , without leaving his eyes off my passport he said

"it would seem so"

i then got my passport back and left with even more smiles


the cops reactions were interresting indeed, the skeptical chief and the other agent stuck on the "eeerm, what do we do, boss?" mode, there was a female cop too behind the desk, she had a kind of amused smile, with a look i would only qualify as admirative like think "ooh, that far?"

it was the time i figured that not only i could pass, but also i passed well, despite my width, big hands weight and stuff ... just longer hair, some eyebrow cleanup , just some pressure cleaner on a pile of muddy rocks to reveal some diamonds and gold ...

a few weeks earlier i had been qualified as "pretty" that's not huge, it's not beautiful or mouth dropping but it was lots to me, i just cried like i rarely did just for that word,
me? pretty ? really? it took me 27 years to hear that .... is it true?

i was still there swimming into anxiety and self-consdiousness, looking for "hello madam" to juct confirm i didn't look like a "sir" i might have continued for years ... but maybe i could be not only passing, but even "pretty" ?!

old friends, that i hadn't seen for a long, long while told me "i don't know what to say except: "you succeeded ! "

i also had some little woohoo minute there

but it's a good thing to have those "progress markers" seeing myself everyday, i didn't notice much anything, still seeing the shadow of my past in my face, my family also didn't see me change , but old pals can tell me "you're up to there!" and the only thing i may have to accept is "ah yes? really? already?"

then came compliments from strangers, hitting on me.... what a busy april month this was!

still copyright transe-generation
.... and yes, it happens !

when i first saw this drawing 4 years ago i thought "nah of course it's easy to draw... maybe it can happen to those teen transor somehing... but i'll remain stuck on the first image ..."

if friends can be too nice, and you can doubt any of their compliments and praises, strangers in the street don't work that way, if they hit on you, it's not from kindness or support, if they saw a dude they'd just run away, or would make VERY different comments .... so self-confidence goes up to the roof in those moments :)

but then it's hard to manage all these looks ..... those guys staring at me from this cafe's terrace, they're smiling.... is it because i'm pretty? or are they making fun of the tranny ? damn they're still looking at me... but is it good or is it bad?!

i'm just like on that first drawing .. "i pass, right? yes of course i do .... or not?"

the hardest is to have enough hindsight on yourself, on others it's sure easy but on you.... that can become the biggest, or even the only problem to a successful trans, beautiful, perfect, but still beefcake in her head.. that's a huge aspect to not neglect , accepting successes too



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