yes! i draw now !

actually i did that sketching months ago, but i was hoping to make it better, ink it, vectorize it, whatever, i didn't even have an eraser when i did that!! 8|


and then the result was : i did nothing! :p

so i'm posting it "as is" and i will progress LATER! :)

- Nickie 2.0 -

still in beta version


this a list post again, lists are cool to look at stuff, but what am i talking about?


the concept i call nickie 2.0 is let's say what i aim to be, all that nickie 1.0 would have been scared or ashamed to do, or to be, etc, Nickie 2.0 is simply my goal, i mention this nickie 2.0 when i succeed something, free myself from something, it's very simple and also difficult to explain, mostly based on a list of "milestones" that are those:


I shall be Nickie 2.0, not oncei get surgery, would be a bit simplistic :D

but i'll be nickie 2.0 once:

-i'll be able to think about my past without crying or even be proud of it why not

-i will have gotten rid of that sick way to look at myself and will be able to ack with the ease and spontaneity of zoe in Venus Envy , Nickie 1.0 knows improvisation and ad-libing but doesn't have that spontaneity and openness of the finally peaceful nickie 2.0, whose chart involves having hindsight yes, but not compulsively, not about myself in a paranoid way, it includes for example not trying to show people what they expect to see especially people from before:
to not anticipate nor fear the "ah you like that sort of stuff??"

-i will see in my mirror the very same thing i see with my eyes closed, even maybe be proud of it

-i'll accept people's love, as i will not be a monster, or an emotional ruin, or an incarnation of shame and self-hatred



in that order, obviously :)



on the ruins of nickie 1.0 i shall build the most flamboyant temple, once i'll be able to appreciate all i get, all i become or will have become without back thoughts, then i shall be 2.0



and i'll make it!



.

daily news

okay that is confirmed, i do have a planned appointment for my bikini bottom surgery : febuary, the 19th, 2010

and 21 days to send a 20% deposit
seeing my psy in 29 days ..

having a real moral problem with that, the little angel nickie has a bullet proof morality and doesn't like the idea of trying to force my way with the official team, but the little devil nickie has some quite valable arguments ...

so sure, i do have 2 months before the planned date to either cancel and get a total refound, or change the date , so i can play the "i'm ok, take your time, i'm just ensuring to stay in the waiting lists, yes i sent 3000 euros but don't worry"

yes, looks like empathy blackmail, i don't quite like it, but if it can worki have no choice but trying


remains the plane tickets issue..... not only for me but also for my friends, making plans in such incertain context is a bit tough, especially if i'm not alone ... tho it's not like my life had not been incertain and tough until now

and shit, they should be happy to see their patient moving their ass, motivated , active, eyes full of hope etc etc, no ?!

...

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

surgery, so important?

hey let's do a little post about the sexiest part of being trans, the part involving sharp objects and bloody pieces of meat , and months of pain :p

because today i'm booking my surgery day ,

no i still don't have my psy's refferal letter but the waiting list keeps running while i stay home typing this blog and waiting in vain 2 months before seeing my psy again, wich will definitely want to kick my sissy ass once i'll tell her but hey, i gotta get busy in that interval

worries are: the more i wait, the closer will the date be , the more expensive will the plane ticket become, or full, and also i'd feel guilty to change my reservation 4 times to the clinic ...

other worry, i don't like looking like forcing my psy, but hey, by the way, i've been sent ot her just because my sexologist couldn't give me refferal letters himself, unless i misunderstood something
and it's only a day, doesn't force me to anything


so while i'm talking about it, an opinion i have might sound strange to my friends, psys, anybody :



surgery, i don't want it much :o

my psy told me "but you see, after the surgery, there's no way back"
i said "eh? you think i can go back now?!"

(and no, i didn't get an answer)

the french statr, thru tribunals (no law mentions it and europe is against that concept but well..) says that surgery defines if you can change your papers or not ....



surgery seems to be THE goal, i don't agree with that, to me it's one detail of the trio "hormone-hair removal-surgery" they are all essential, who would do ONLY the surgery and nothing else? are you a woman for having just no beard? or for having breasts and and hips, but still a penis and beard?

nah none is superiorthe 3 shall be equal to me, laser socially freed me , and took some lil weight off me in my bathroom or against my pillow, the hormonal therapy sloooowly sends me back to what i expected to tend , and very slowly makes mirrors friendlier to me too

but what is the surgery ? an open door to swimsuits, a feeling of normality, comfort too because hiding what i hise isn't quite comfy at all, it's even painful at times

but no surgery will probablly not make me as happy as the laser did, it's just intimate, for me and my underwear, but i don't want to consider if THE goal

so i hear you screaming :

"but for seeex?"


well that's very easy, i don't do sex, i have zero libido, zero flirt, zero hope
i say i prefer gils because i don't like hair and i don't see myself kissing a dude, but right now, if i try to think of it, i don't want to make love with anything or anybody at all, i just don't care , and i quite like it: it's quiet and peaceful, no pulsion, no burning fire, it's cool :)

it's not the first time i feel that way, in the past even before the HRT , years before i used to be stunned by comments like "wow you had no sex for 2 weeks??? how can you hold so long!"
i thought it was strange for people to find it so important :p

i mention times because i'm human, i have experienced pulsions , but sometimes, lightly, still able to laugh at the "what? 2 weeks?" lines :p


so yes i want surgery; because i kinda need it for my papers, because "it goes with the rest" , because my 3 layers of tight underpants bother me, and i want ot be like the others, , just for not having anything to hide, and get rif od the major source of testerone in my body (vade retro satanas! 15 years you've been ruining me! i know i's already done, but STILL! )


but i won't accept the idea that the SRS makes me a woman, after all i've been thru ,
i also don't accept the idea that i'm supposed to be able to go back, as long as i haven't done surgery, afyer 15 years conformation, 3 years and a half of counceling, 6 month hormones , 3 laser sessions, and as much "real life test" as you can get

i want the surgery to finish the work, or just like you get a mole removed, i don't want to be defined by it, because it's not my fault i haven't choosed to need it !





or simply, i just want to do it bue not be questionned about it, just reminds me i'm abnormal, or monstruous , until then i wish i could just forget, forget the surgery, forget the laser, forget my forst puberty and that pain that follows me , like a seed planted in me when i was born, growing in me, annoying after 10 years, heavy at 15, paralysing at 20 ...




and just be what i finally see in my mirror


.

Real Life "Test"

ihave already mentionned some of those things, but it's time to get deeper

in febuary 2009, i got a laser session,
late march, got another one

and a week after i went on a trip , to japan, don't have to go this far but i like this country, and this country tends to like me too i believe, but anyway i think it's good to start elsewhere to test without much consequences, even in some next door city

until then i was in girl mode whenever i got out of my town, kinda hiding, but les and less, but outside, the laser allowed me to stay this way for an undetermined time , my biggest issue being my facial hair regrowth ... we say that laser (or electrolysis) makes the difference between a man and a woman, and i'm some kind of proof of it

so HOP! far from my place, i left in guy mode because driven to the station by my father , and at that time he didn't know where i was in my path, probably thinking that the psys would have cured me magically with the mighty powers of introspection , so i took the train to paris as nicolas to the charles de gaule airport in paris , i'm wearing my camouflage outfit, an old jean without much shape at all, a L size tshirt , and a little polar jacket, kinda pretty to me black with it's red neck calling back on my red shoes :p
that used to be my visual identity for over 10 years, as unisex as you can do, not really screaming "feminity" but go figure ....

in the airport i ate a bit in the pizza hut
"-hello, so i'd like two pieces of cheese pizza and an orange juice"
"-okay there you go madam "
"-..... :o er.. thank youuuu !"

after the passport check i passed my luggages in the xray machines, asking to the guy who makes people undress

"-so i take my shoes off too?"
"let's see..... no those are ok, but your jacket please .."
"mkay here you go ..."
"very well, thank you madam"
"-..... :o er.. thank youuuu !"

after my never ending 12 hours long flight i arrived at narita airport , finished showing my passport and giving my fingerprints , now aiming for the ladies toilets, for a quick change , with less neutral clothes, my falsies and a bit of foundation, and go!!

one thing i had not thought about was that then, in every hotel, being a foreigner, they would ask for my passport ....
the reaction of the managers were just ..... invisible , no more no less, except one, who took my passport, walked away to the copier and stopped on it's way , closely examined my passport for a loooong minute, with me standing behind, hesitating to say "yeah it's .... old picture ..."

then finally after a never ending while of doubt, he finally registers me, and everything is going well ...
just one detail tho, this evening , a friend called me , and she told me "hey the guy on the phone asked me if you were a man or a womann i said woman and he said ok and gave me the line !"

ah curious little sir :p

in another hotel i often went because really cheap, i obviously became like come kind of mascott , when i came to the reception the guy gave me big smiles saying stuff like "ah nicolas-san! from france right?"
"yyyyyyyes " i say " but is it so peculiar to see french here?"
he smiles and says "yes, quite"


well at this precise instant i was very well knowing that we were not talking about french people no , but more about "okama" , the japanese word for katooey ;)
but in the greatest respect, him having seen my passport, and me showing not only my killer smile but also a C-cup

one thing i was curious to try was my passing, in a country where 1.76m high women ( about 5.7ft) just don't really exist, i thought "if i pass there i'll pass anywhere"

and i passed

except two anecdotes tho such as a group of kids whispering "is that a transvestite?" or "look! look at his hands" etc
i remained stoic

another time in a not too crowded train, a couple a few meters away were wondering "is it an okama over there?" to far for me to hear well , but there seemed to be some doubt , and debate

looks quite negative, but all the other expreiences i had were amazingly positive, such as shopping streets merchants like that indian guy shouting with his indian accentent that i find quite funny and friengly "hey pretty girl, where are you going?"

hmm that's not a country where people speak much english, so i looked around and saw this guy bent over his counter , in the process of making a huge smile to... ME :p
i gave him the biggest smile of the world back and a little hello sign, wich he gave me back ;

aaaaah damn how i love life!

it happened again in japanese, then there has been real hitting-on too, or quite unexpected compliments such as in that farmer family , the father welcomed me saying "oh you have nice proportions!" then back to his wife "did you see that? french girls are something else eh"

yep, "something else"...hehe

so with all that stuff, all the people i've seen there compared to my 300 peoples village, and the almost total absence of any problem, i reached the point i feared , here we are , i just can not go back to "something else", i had spent weeks already in girl mode but there, after 2 laser sessions, my HRT on the way i'm able to hold the distance, and joy in my heart i say farewell to nicolas !
I shall see you in my papers for a while, but from now, i'm only nickie, and i can't play the guy anymore, did it way too much already !

i talked to my mother, who was kinda expecting it, scared to death tho "but how will it go here? in japan you're fine of course , in hollidays, with no worries"

but what other occasion would i have? one month absence in a foreign place, to hit the nail, it's just perfect , it's not like if i went oversea 10 times a year :p
nor even once a year , last time was 6 years ago!

what else would i do? go back home, act like the perfect boy then one weekend go "hop! tadaaaammm! got boobs nooow! "


she was scared for me, but also the probably figure she was losing her son, for real, the 3 years who took me there didn't prepare her to the idea of me being "nicole" 24/7

she understood for 3 years, but only today she realized

argh if only i could talk when i was 15 we wouldn't be in that whole crap! i hate myself for that.....


but for everything else damn it's good !! finally!!! :)

what is wrong with me?

okay my life is great, my passing is good, even on phone it seems ...

but here are 10 reasons to spend an afternoon crying

i made the mistake to read again some of that venus envy comic, to see nearly my own life
a friend was telling me in the strip shown on my post called "the restart" that it was totally me,
and yes in this comic i find loads of things that are totally me:
stuff that happened to me
stuff that almost happened to me but that i could avoid
stuff that i spent over 15 years to wish.. or fear..

venus envy is wonderfully true and realistic, for those reasons if you are trans, do not read it ! make it read to your family who might learn lots about your troubles , but if you already have your own nose into your own problems, it's no use to see them drawed one by one , unless you think you're alone and the only one with those issues, then you'll quickly learn that you aren't ; unless you already did from me

-my father calls me "big guy"

-my mother , thinking i ignore it, talks about me as "he" to some friend of her, to make like a "pause" in my state and relieve herself for a while ...she also seems to not be able to call me anything else than "he" in front of strangers ...

-i do have a recommendation letter to see an endocrino, but it took me 3 weeks to get an appointment.... in 3 months!

i'd like to get rid of the surgery by next year as the Dr Suporn's waiting list goes up to debuary 2010, but i only see my psy in a month and she'll refuse, so i'll wait another month, and she'll refuse again .. during that time the waiting lists keep running and the political situation in thailand also hurries me to go there before it blows up

-also i wonder if i can get the SRS next year, to change my papers, or if i launch a name-change procedure first

-i easily lose more than 100 hair each day ..


-i'm out from a cave where i spent the 20 most beautiful years of a normal life

-my HRT makes me more tired indeed

ùy own psy believes me able to commit a suicide on my own person
(wich if i was psychiatrist i would NOT tell to my patients... )


that makes 10 !


but there is something different now , before, i cried for the unbearable, i wouldn't accept the idea of "let it go, you'll feel better after" no, i would be worse, it's like vomiting: leaving a taste ...

but to day, as it comes more easily, or even for nothing much, i tend to get the feeling that tears "cleans me"?!

it's like if something stuck in me could "come out" and free me from my melancholy , it's strange and new ..

or i like to mope :p

but those crying jags seem to drown my existential anxieties, and take me away from the big panic attack, so , i guess it's not that bad in a way

some background

this point we reached shall be some kind of debriefing of mu "up to now" life, i'll add stuff if i think about something, or if i receive some pertinent question

so how am i doing now ?
i'm taking estrogensand progesterone for 5 months and a half , some say that my face got softer ... my skin is doubtlessly much softer from the first HRT month , and yes, i do have breasts , after just 5 months i am a few centimeters away from a B cup wich for my age is not bad , reading stuff about the tanner scale i seem to be quite lucky ..... i'll talk about that scale later ;)

in the same time i hesitate about continuing on my diet , afraid that it stopps growing there (right before my HRT i ve lost 6kgs.... and before that, 20 during the past years .. for my impreial friends that is 44lb ... eh yes, nickie isn't pompooy anymore :p thai word that i learned the tough way :p )

so my breasts are on a race with my belly ... but i haven't gained wny weight since i began my HRT wich is good .... well i gained 2kgs lately but ut's within the acceptable variations ..... i'll weight myself again after a week of white rice and fruit smoothies :D


i have a good passing , strangers call me madam and others hesitate, get a bit confused, etc but i pass...




these drawings are from matt nishii from transe-generation.com, he happens to be an FTM transsexual, the opposite of me anyway his site is down for the moment, the bulletin board tho has been a big help for me when i began , it's a bit worldwide so not much a good source to figure the french stuff , but not one of those gloomy boards i had seen in the past, friendly and welcoming, and also full of pretty young members, MTF and FTMs together, no flamewars or polemics , good mood :) unfortunately the main site being offline the drawings are not available anymore, fortunately i had saved a few to translate them for my mother :D

and there, 2 things in this drawing, it's true!
first i do own a vintage car so that situation happens, people do see me differently in funny ways! :D
and also i was thinking "yeah it's easy to make a dude turning into a lovely babe with a pencil, pfff!"

but it happens, i'm on hrt since barely 6 months and seeing last yearp ics i think "ouch! " didn't feel quite good seeing them anyway ......

that's not only me , i have a passport showing an old pic from 2004 and earlier this year, i travelled, and has seen some amazement with the duty agents ... especially on the way back , the passport check woman showed me my own pic saying "is it..... you?"
with an embarassed yet flattered smile i said "yes erm, ..... old picture "
"ah ok" she smiled, finishing her stuff ...

then at the paris charles de gaulle airport i ... dropped my passport.... i'm looking for trouble aren't i? so after a while they called my name in the airport's speakers "Mister nicolas D..." ...... i took my courage in hands and went to the police desk, and seen many suspicious faces there ... "who's that" sere they thinking.... written on their face, doubt and surprise ... the chief was sitting there, holding my passport, full of doubts .... asked me to recitate every bit of information written there , i stayed 20 minutes with a big smile , embarrassed but flattered , i could have ended it all in a second just with my only superpower: my barry white voice, but after all i didn't need it, being exhaustively exact about my passport stuff... another cop asked "so is it the person?" , without leaving his eyes off my passport he said

"it would seem so"

i then got my passport back and left with even more smiles


the cops reactions were interresting indeed, the skeptical chief and the other agent stuck on the "eeerm, what do we do, boss?" mode, there was a female cop too behind the desk, she had a kind of amused smile, with a look i would only qualify as admirative like think "ooh, that far?"

it was the time i figured that not only i could pass, but also i passed well, despite my width, big hands weight and stuff ... just longer hair, some eyebrow cleanup , just some pressure cleaner on a pile of muddy rocks to reveal some diamonds and gold ...

a few weeks earlier i had been qualified as "pretty" that's not huge, it's not beautiful or mouth dropping but it was lots to me, i just cried like i rarely did just for that word,
me? pretty ? really? it took me 27 years to hear that .... is it true?

i was still there swimming into anxiety and self-consdiousness, looking for "hello madam" to juct confirm i didn't look like a "sir" i might have continued for years ... but maybe i could be not only passing, but even "pretty" ?!

old friends, that i hadn't seen for a long, long while told me "i don't know what to say except: "you succeeded ! "

i also had some little woohoo minute there

but it's a good thing to have those "progress markers" seeing myself everyday, i didn't notice much anything, still seeing the shadow of my past in my face, my family also didn't see me change , but old pals can tell me "you're up to there!" and the only thing i may have to accept is "ah yes? really? already?"

then came compliments from strangers, hitting on me.... what a busy april month this was!

still copyright transe-generation
.... and yes, it happens !

when i first saw this drawing 4 years ago i thought "nah of course it's easy to draw... maybe it can happen to those teen transor somehing... but i'll remain stuck on the first image ..."

if friends can be too nice, and you can doubt any of their compliments and praises, strangers in the street don't work that way, if they hit on you, it's not from kindness or support, if they saw a dude they'd just run away, or would make VERY different comments .... so self-confidence goes up to the roof in those moments :)

but then it's hard to manage all these looks ..... those guys staring at me from this cafe's terrace, they're smiling.... is it because i'm pretty? or are they making fun of the tranny ? damn they're still looking at me... but is it good or is it bad?!

i'm just like on that first drawing .. "i pass, right? yes of course i do .... or not?"

the hardest is to have enough hindsight on yourself, on others it's sure easy but on you.... that can become the biggest, or even the only problem to a successful trans, beautiful, perfect, but still beefcake in her head.. that's a huge aspect to not neglect , accepting successes too



.

ignition issues

one mistake i have made,

was hoping, perhaps by excess of confidence in my case, that people would take care of me ...

such as when i have fever, i meet my doc who tells me "ok you've got a little flu, you're gonna swallow this and that and you'll be fine in a week"

i expected to be told "yes you're trans, you're gonna take this and that and you'll feel better by 8 to 10 months" wrong, i had to learn everything myself, how the system works , the "official teams" opposed to the "personnal path" the hormonal therapies what to do, what to not do ..

i did not want to have to learn all that , i just wanted to be cured and not bother with how or whatever , so i could just forget , but i quickly discovered that my country is not exactly on the edge about all that stuff and that you even have to be cautionnous about some official endocrinologists prescriptions who begin the treatment by a so-called "reversible" hormonal therapy wich is nothing less than a hormone blocker, the androcur, wich is today forbidden in the USA a quite dangerous drug meant to chemically castrate sexual delinquents , like every drug of course it has to be used with caution, but a human body is not meant to work without any hormone wich is what we're talking about now , inducing depression and liver problems and more...


so i had to teach myself , to spend the time between psy appointments, while continuing my "official" path with my latest therapist, then 2009 arrived and i just had enough waiting, i would if necessary start a hormonal replacement therapy (HRT) by myself if i had to but thanks to a good help website i discovered that my family doctor could prescribe me a legal one! :)

immediately i met him, he knows my case and received outraging letters from my first asshole therapist , so he understands my pain very well, i brought him some papers about HRT and stuff, and he says ok :)
just takes a week to make sure of the right thing to do, but this year for my birthday, i did have my HRT! :)

so the HRT desserves it's own paragraph, perhaps have you already read stuff about it, that it is emotionally exhausting, as you're overflowed by your now stronger emotions and blah, blah blah ....

well it is true! :p

me being quite sensitive already , it's.... strong! i didn't expect it much , i was already a sissy crybaby but now i can cry anytime i want (tho i can't stop when i want to :D) on the begining i just wanted to cry each and every minute and if i didn't have the strenght to hold it back, then i did ..

it's true everything is harder , family, trans worries , but the positive can also be stronger :) but under HRT you are at the mercy of your own feelings, especially the bad ones in case of bad balance (sudden fail of testosterone without enough of something else to compensate leads to a quite certain depression .... it's called a hormonal REPLACEMENT therapy, not a hormonal cutoff therapy )(image copyright mat nishii, http://www.transe-generation.com )

so it's true, i was more emotionally stable before the THS it's not a step to take too lightly, have friends, have family anything because a transition is a difficult thing even before to mess with your brains so of course if you add up everything, it can be tough

i had worries for coming out to my father for example, he knew for 3 years but as far as i knew was denying and we were in some kind of status-quo , i had not seen him since the begining of my treatment and "real life test" i have been scared, very scared

finally it went well, but it's probably one of those thing that would be good to do BEFORE the HRT

in my case also the HRT amplifies GOOD vibes to a point where they become bad again, let's explain: a few years earlier i lived in a silent state of continuous pain , i had like a deadline in my mind, didn't expect to go over the age of 25 or something ... and now it's just ... "gone" , i just love life so much that words can't describe it , wich is good , so now i fear only one thing: the end of it ... knowing that nothing lasts forever , i had a good badass panic attack a while ago and am now trying to avoid another one and probably shows some depressive signs , taking some antidepressive drugs for the mere fact of finally loving life...... how ironic is that ?

so do not underestimate a HRT, even a light safe one such as mine

one other thing i started, the best of all, the laser hair removal! , one month later as my dermatologist want me to get my testerone away to begin, so after a first hormonal cycle hop! laser!

so let's put it this way: it HURTS! damn it hurts, technically like a good slap in the face at the rythm of two per second for 30 minutes.... as the rythm is regular you expect the next one wich makes it worse...

the laser actually burns the black melanin thru the skin, to burn the hair's root... technically you have to count one to 2 weeks at least to see the result , so at first i wondered "i'm one of those 1% of lucky ones that are non responsive to laser therapy or what?"

but with patience, it falls :)

what a pleasure to exfoliate your face and find some tiny hair bits in your hands :D no bathroom blues there! :D

but i have read some incredible things about laser, such as you need 15 sessions or more ... or that the total cost goes over 8000$ ....
my dermatologist told me that with her 800nm laser i would need 4 to 6 sessions

so yes, each sessions costs me 200 euros ( must be like 250$) so after 3 sessions i'm already at 600€.. but i'm halfway and i nearly have nothing left anymore :)

yes the regrowth about a month after the 2nd session did scare me a little , but you have to trust the laser, yes after one a session you'll spent a delicious hairless moment, and this made me go in "full time" at work, everywhere, it's also what we call the "real life test" wich you're expected to do without having any help , laser seems to be an optional thing but i just need it to be able to be smooth more than a week, as i had some strong hair that my skin tried to keep inside, making tiny skin bumps to not shave ...

even with the cutest face of the world i could then not pass as a girl more than a day after shaving , or a week after a face-wax (wich is as painful as you can imagine, yes :D) the laser solved it but i had to do it by myself

but then, if that clean skin time is so magic, i haven't been told "4 to 6" sessions for no reason ,
and yes, after 2 months it was time to go back to the torture again for a 3rd one, and now i'm watching the small hair coming back on my chin with tweezers... or wax if i see too much, it's still manageable :)

it's coming back quite heavily to me tho, so i don't think 4 sessions will be enough, but if it doesn't come back much more than now , i'll definitely be ok with 6 as planned :)



these choices helped me to force my actual shrink to send me to an endocrinologist , to finally have a pro HRT :)
...wich i'm extremelly sorry to; do poor her, she's just following her protocol, and doing what she's told to do and she's not made of bad will as my first one was, i feel guilty to keep seeing her while doing my stuff by myself and give the impression to make fun of her ....

but hey this is my 4th year of therapy and inactivity ... and it's about me isn't it? my life to unwaste , and actually if my previous psy didn't retire i'd have all that done last year already....

or even 3 years ago if i met her instead of my first maniac that people suggest me to sue ...

the restart

so then after having figured that you can be trans without being stallone in a miniskirt AND even so, that it's not a bad thing to be masculine, it's not bad if i like girls, if i like videogames and vintage cars, what relevance does that have at all ?

all the pretexts i had stored in front of my eyes had just no meaning, and just finally collapsed

i just looked at all my past feelings, measured their evolution, and deduced that it would not get any better , and that after all, it was only up to me to make the secret wish i made for every birthday, every shooting star, come true.

so around the begining of my 24th year, in 2006 i'm deeply thinking , i made up my mind, thought i should say it to my mother, because i already planning my decision to become obvious or at least suspicious , i had to get out of the secret!

of course i also have planned to run away, and just get a new life elsewhere far from my past, and actually, it was not the first time i thought so, but this time, i had to DO something, not wish anymore , so i just figured "if i'm ready to lose everything, then let's just give a try and see if i have to"

after a tormenting week, wich made her worried , i finally spit the blues out ,
sure it's a shock, she hardly believes it, but in the same time, she's relieved "aaah, so that was THAT!" she tells me, the truth finally comes to the light, why was that kid unhappy all that time ...
much tears in each other arms followed, but even that she wupported me, she had much difficulties to accept , figuring little by little, slowly, what i had in mind,
for example months later she said "what? but you plan to get surgery?!"

then figuring that her little boy was becoming a big girl, she did look at me like her son's grave , it IS a bit hard to bear when you're hyper sensitive ..... especialy after you're under hormonal therapy that makes you even more touchy

anyway after my family coming out i look on internet for local associations or whatever help i could find to see a shrink whom i could confess to, believing i havd to start my transition with a psychiatrist, i ask to some association in bordeaux if they have some address, they gave me one,


the one of the transphobic and obnoxious and vile Marc Louis Bourgeois, on the head of the whole trans care on that disgusting city of bordeaux , much later i found him quoted in the "transphobic shrinks" section of the trans aide website, wich is a real help association, this one

incredibly paternilysing this "gentleman" is quite touchy and in answer of my tactful and polite attempt of explaining that i have some hard time telling my darkest things to some stranger, and that he didn't make things much easier by not asking anything, not trying to lead a discussion, just waiting for my truth to come out....

he answers "that's cuz i'm not complaisant"
that is sure not complaisant to forget someone's appointment (i come from 100kms away, imperial friends that is 65 miles ) asking me to come back five hours later after his planned appointments ; and what about confusing me with other patients ? (wich i figured once when he asked me news about someone i had never heard about, but how many times didn't i figure anything? )

anyway i was always feeling worse on the way out of his office than on the way in , i was hoping he would ask meaningful questions, handle a talk, but "how's the job goin?" and EACH AND EVERY TIME "what's your mother's name?" and "how old are you?" ...... i wanted to shout "i'm two fucking years older than the first time you asked me!!"

it took me nearly two years, paying 50 euros per session and finally seeing my insistance he trew me away to some colleague of him, someone more complaisant, this one now retired left me in the hands of her associate, a doctor, sexologist, psychologist and i had quite a better time, he helped me, understood me, and i guess saved me

he made me understand what docs were expecting from me, how did the system worked, yes he made mistakes too, with comments such comments as "well you see, a girl's supposed be taking care of herself, and i see you have dry hands"
....

(copyright venus envy ... before, i thought it only happened to me ..)

but the next time we talked about it , itold him that i had no intention to fit his table of clichés , that i refused to be judged on that stuff? that anyway all my family had dry skin, and that that precise day, i even used some cream before to come so it was double unfair, but even so, it didn't matter , i don't want to be criticized for my tastes, but i do EVEN LESS want to be juged on my physical condition :o

but he was trying to do right and told me that it was actually good that i had some character :p

by the way he also confirmed me the opinion of people about my nasty first psy, his strange personality, and told me that the 250-euros psy test he made me have were a bit overpriced .... well at least i have papers proving that i have no mental pathology whatsoever , no schyzophrenia, no dismorphophobia... the psycologist that had me passing the test "yes but that might mean no transsexuality either" ..... so if anyone tells you the same thing, if any test could tell if you're trans or not, i'd have passed this one before any other one!!

on internet you can find tests that tell you wether you're a boy or a girl (i don't mean facebook quizzes i mean statistic tests and stuff) they all told me i was a girl, so i guess i fit in some clichés anyways
but no official psy test can give such result, and even so, the result would be if the patient seem masculine or feminine, but not "in the wrong body" i mean if the mind is sane, but in the wrong body, so logically a psy test should only see a sane mind, no ?

so i had to spend one more year saying again all i hated saying, but this time to some good-willed man, so it wasn't painful like before, of course it was hard to have to wait one month to make my point clear, wait a month to say something i forgot to say, or said wrong,

simply wait one more month before ANYTHING happens, that's hard... but this time , on the way out of his office, i didn't want to jump from a bridge :)

after these few months passed, this psy told me "okay then i guess we've been around everything", BUT he isn't psychiatrist (wich means he an't prescribe stuff or etc) i needed one to go further.... the one psychiatrist would be....... mr bourgeois

i knew it wasn't a good idea, the nice psy cheered me up like he could, but i knew..... still , because i'm trying to be good, i took the appointment


it'll be okay said the nice psy ..... YOU BET IT WASN'T ! not only it was as bad as before, but to this old psy, i had a new , i was in "girl mode" so what's better than an example?

after the humiliation was over, i gave him his 50 euros, he took me to the office's door, then to the building's door, and there, in font of some dude entering the building, he pointed my chest with his finger and asked

"is that stuffed?"

....


"eeeeerm ... more or less?" i answer, shocked

"you'd better build up some muscles instead"

oh for fuck's sake!


funny thing, earlier with my nice psy, we talked about my complexes and the way i try to overcome them, i logically find my shoulders too wide and my arms too big, i said "i sure won't do body-building anyway :D " he smiled and said "yes of course i understand"

those are 2 quite different reactions aren't they ?

so the next time, i tell him that story, and with big amazed blue eyes he says "ouch okay i think it's not necessary to insist ...." and he sent me to ANOTHER psy .... still from the self-called "official team"

and there i began once again with a new shrink again .... the good thing is i don't pay her, being in some hospital
the bad thing is i have to start over AGAIN ...in september 2008 i'm restarting nearly from scratch she makes me understand that nothing would happen before two years ..... "two years MORE" do i ask ?

her evasive answer was something like "mkay we'll consider that you have seen some one before a bit"

but what can i say, she is a nice person, the problem is not the individual, but the protocol... i like her, but i can't stand the idea to start from scratch..... a third time!

The End

SO i did live a bunch of empty years full of self hatred and denial , painful survival, it hasn't sure been easy but i thought my secret was safe (wich is quite puzzling when people today tell me "aaaaaah yeah i kinda thought you were like that" ..... anywayz i tried..)

so what in the world made me stop burrying my head in the sand?

let's say that in my mind, i had like a time limit, i wouldn't have thought i'd reach the age 30, like my existence had to end around 25 , why? i don't know, too painful maybe.. i didn't plan to kill myself, i just thought it would come by itself, whatever way the fate choses

aaaand after a while i went 24 ... a few things happened, first the limit was getting extremely close and perhaps i was a bit more touchy about anything, then i ended up on that webcomic, "misfile" telling the story about a guy who by the mistake of a pot-smoking angel turned into a girl against his will .....

aargh how much i wished for that stuff to have happened to me !
and aargh how much i understof the concept of being "misfiled", even tho the story goes the other way, i understood the feeling that was mine , and felt misfiled at birth... or puberty, whatever

the comic is good but i was hurting myself reading it and it restarted some reflexions about myself , you guess wich ones...

i also ended on another website, more or less the same thing as what you're reading now, the story of a 30 years old woman, with picture not of a big transvestite, but just a woman, not a model, not a sideral ugliness, just someone i wouldn't have noticed in the street, a proof that you can be trans, and still authentic and natural,

she also told about her experience with the Dr Suporn in thailand, and a proof that yes you can be normal down there too, on an aesthetic and functionnal point of view, without ending to be some kind of female eunuch

just a big proof that you can just be "a woman" and that trans people were not necessarily those you can fogure out, or find in google image.... especially witout the "mature audience filters" but just anybody


and that then maybe...

me too ?

her testimonial and some exchanged mails made me chose that surgeon, unfortunately her website isn't online anymore , and reading her annoyment to receive mails such as "no, srsly, you were a dude before?" i understand a bit, so it's a reason why i'm hesitating about showing myself here



.

the begining

so here is the first post meant to retrace the begining of my mutation

so i'll pass over the already seen stuff like "i've always thought i was a girl" and all the violins that come with 24 years of confused feelings, i'll perhaps tell you the most shocking truth :


i never really played with dolls.... i don't know i found those gloomy as objects with their cold and fixed expression ..... sure i did make stories with invented characters or whatever but anybody who saw me would just have seen a normal kid playing with lil cars and legos , then video games at the end of the 80s

so yes, i did order a sewing machine for a crtain christmas, and perhaps other ambiguous stuff at some other moments, and yes people were afraid i'd "turn gay" or even were convinced of that by my teen ages, but i believe you don't have to fit in those criterias do have a gender identity disorder

by the way, i'm lesbian, and of course the male teen i was hasn't ever brought any girlfriend home , don't wanna be loved like a dude, yurk!

i also have an old vintage (collection :] ) car that i work on myself, mostly for not being able to afford someone else doing it for me , and like my daddy sez: "gals don't change cylinder-head gaskets"

(to tell you the truth daddy himself doesn't knows much about how you do it and stuff ... )

so back to my childhood , i was a bit more sensitive than the others, a bit more isolated, and my mother worried to always see me alone in a corner of the school , sent me to a shrink

he was a good one, i barely remember because i was young and naive , but i learned much later that he told my mum "he has no mental illness, his problem is what he is " ... congrats , if only i could talk to him more deeply he would have found out , but at this time, and till not so long ago i was just trying to keep it deeep into myself and fight against what i felt weird or anormal and my biggest fear would have been being found out , what would have happened then? how would i have been looked at like? who would have stayed by me?

it took over 15 years to reach what finally decided me to change, but before that , i can write a line or two about my even older childhood, as i do have shameful memories that are quite revealing today

when i was.... hell if i know, maybe 5 years old, as far as my memory goes, i thought i was not a girl because i had been designated as "boy" and i accepted the word, but i hadn't got the concept of it , i mean i just thought i'd grow up "like the other girls" and everything, and so on, as i made a bikini top with a t-shirt (y'know, 80's style: put the tshirt bottom in the neckhole and hell just watch 80's shows you'll see ! :p )

as my mother told me "but girls do that, you don't have no chest my child" i said soooo naively "i know, i'm too young"

i was just there believing that time would make it come........ well after all, it did , so....

TEST

hi everyone, so this is the english version of my blog, so let's go straight to the goal:


nice to meet you, i'm Nickie for my friends, but "Sir" for the government, as i am transsexual
this blog has the vocation to tell a bit of my story, to maybe help some people, inform some others, knowing that i don't fit the general idea that most people might have about trans people ..

so

this blog's title is deliberately ironic , for those who understand, it is not provocation, kathoy is one way to read the thai word that means "ladymen" , but i'll tell more about it later

because this blog will be about thailand, let me explain, during my previous trips i have wrote roadbooks, wich i have put online, there was lots of pictures and stuff , about the country etc, not about me , and if i go to thailand, it's for nothing else but getting surgery, so not much beautiful sights there and honestly, i am eberything BUT proud of my trans thingie i wouldn't have pictured myself speaking publicly about it .....

but i've been asked to, and what can i tell you: i just can't say "no" :p

and if my experience can help even just one person in the world, then i won't have lost time writing all that shit :)

so this is a transsexual roadbook blog, surely not everybody's taste, but still, experience leads to knowledge, and knowledge leads to wiseness ;)


so welcome visitor, on my blog whose design isn't pink and purple because being a girl getting cured doesn't HAVE to involve a barbie graphical chart, that's my opinion ... anyway i'll first review my life till now, peraps help someone avoid the mistakes i have made, but keep your mind awake: i can still make new ones !


i am now 27 years old in this month of july, 2009 i'm under therapy since 2006; and under hormones since febuary this year and in "real life test" since mars, so


let this blog begin!


(ps: this is a translated version of my french blog, as i'm french, not native english, be forgiving about the english mistaked i can make, and about the time i need to translate posts wich will probably not quite be always immediate ............ i can write a lot, and i don't like having 5 pages to translate, no :p )