surgery, so important?

hey let's do a little post about the sexiest part of being trans, the part involving sharp objects and bloody pieces of meat , and months of pain :p

because today i'm booking my surgery day ,

no i still don't have my psy's refferal letter but the waiting list keeps running while i stay home typing this blog and waiting in vain 2 months before seeing my psy again, wich will definitely want to kick my sissy ass once i'll tell her but hey, i gotta get busy in that interval

worries are: the more i wait, the closer will the date be , the more expensive will the plane ticket become, or full, and also i'd feel guilty to change my reservation 4 times to the clinic ...

other worry, i don't like looking like forcing my psy, but hey, by the way, i've been sent ot her just because my sexologist couldn't give me refferal letters himself, unless i misunderstood something
and it's only a day, doesn't force me to anything


so while i'm talking about it, an opinion i have might sound strange to my friends, psys, anybody :



surgery, i don't want it much :o

my psy told me "but you see, after the surgery, there's no way back"
i said "eh? you think i can go back now?!"

(and no, i didn't get an answer)

the french statr, thru tribunals (no law mentions it and europe is against that concept but well..) says that surgery defines if you can change your papers or not ....



surgery seems to be THE goal, i don't agree with that, to me it's one detail of the trio "hormone-hair removal-surgery" they are all essential, who would do ONLY the surgery and nothing else? are you a woman for having just no beard? or for having breasts and and hips, but still a penis and beard?

nah none is superiorthe 3 shall be equal to me, laser socially freed me , and took some lil weight off me in my bathroom or against my pillow, the hormonal therapy sloooowly sends me back to what i expected to tend , and very slowly makes mirrors friendlier to me too

but what is the surgery ? an open door to swimsuits, a feeling of normality, comfort too because hiding what i hise isn't quite comfy at all, it's even painful at times

but no surgery will probablly not make me as happy as the laser did, it's just intimate, for me and my underwear, but i don't want to consider if THE goal

so i hear you screaming :

"but for seeex?"


well that's very easy, i don't do sex, i have zero libido, zero flirt, zero hope
i say i prefer gils because i don't like hair and i don't see myself kissing a dude, but right now, if i try to think of it, i don't want to make love with anything or anybody at all, i just don't care , and i quite like it: it's quiet and peaceful, no pulsion, no burning fire, it's cool :)

it's not the first time i feel that way, in the past even before the HRT , years before i used to be stunned by comments like "wow you had no sex for 2 weeks??? how can you hold so long!"
i thought it was strange for people to find it so important :p

i mention times because i'm human, i have experienced pulsions , but sometimes, lightly, still able to laugh at the "what? 2 weeks?" lines :p


so yes i want surgery; because i kinda need it for my papers, because "it goes with the rest" , because my 3 layers of tight underpants bother me, and i want ot be like the others, , just for not having anything to hide, and get rif od the major source of testerone in my body (vade retro satanas! 15 years you've been ruining me! i know i's already done, but STILL! )


but i won't accept the idea that the SRS makes me a woman, after all i've been thru ,
i also don't accept the idea that i'm supposed to be able to go back, as long as i haven't done surgery, afyer 15 years conformation, 3 years and a half of counceling, 6 month hormones , 3 laser sessions, and as much "real life test" as you can get

i want the surgery to finish the work, or just like you get a mole removed, i don't want to be defined by it, because it's not my fault i haven't choosed to need it !





or simply, i just want to do it bue not be questionned about it, just reminds me i'm abnormal, or monstruous , until then i wish i could just forget, forget the surgery, forget the laser, forget my forst puberty and that pain that follows me , like a seed planted in me when i was born, growing in me, annoying after 10 years, heavy at 15, paralysing at 20 ...




and just be what i finally see in my mirror


.